Official Summary:
This is an AU story, based on a 'what if' suggestion handed to me by one of my readers, Kzintikiller.
After the kiss at the tent, Edward's heart is already cracked, though his love for Bella leaves him no other choice than to forgive her for it. What if the 'Night of Tears' was too much for Edward to handle? What if that night had convinced Edward to be noble and put his heart's deepest desire aside to let Bella be happy with Jacob?
In this story, Edward leaves once more. He becomes a nomad, roaming the wilderness, lonely and broken, having given up his one and only love. This is a story of growth, of adversity, of forgiveness and of the resurrection of a once-in-a-lifetime love.
Review:
This is a very different story. I find most stories end very predictable and leave us all with a “fluffy” feeling. I say, what is a story without a little angst?
Well, here is a little taste of what could have been. How would Twiaddicts have reacted if Edward left a second time? This time to allow Bella to be with Jacob because Edward believed that Bella was staying with him not out of love but out of gratitude.
If you have ever wondered this, I know I have, then this is the story for you.
The prologue is a simple yet emotional roller coaster where Edward tells Bella that he is leaving. It starts with a letter from Edward to Bella after Victoria’s death when Bella tells Jacob that she is choosing Edward.
I deeply apologize for breaking my promise to never leave again, but it is unbearable to know that I am the cause of so much pain. Your tears last night broke my long-dead heart, knowing I was the reason you cried so desperately.
But through them and in them, I have found the strength to do what I should have done so long ago.
I cannot let you give up your happiness for me. I cannot justify claiming you for myself when giving up Jacob brings you so much anguish.
The tears that follow are why Edward believes that Bella truly wants to be with Jacob.
She had cried for hours while I held her pressed against me, my arms gently supporting her body, as she lay in my lap. I had driven her home after finding her in her truck on her way back from her visit with her friend, who'd been badly hurt fighting the newborn army.
The mongrel. The bane of my existence. The thorn in my side, the roadblock to my happiness. The teenage wolf-boy who's only intent was to take Bella away from me.
In the letter he tells Bella to please remain in contact with his family as they love her as much as he does.
The story then shifts - Edward goes home and tells his family about his decision. Edward arrives in his bedroom and destroys the entire room; the bed that he and Bella slept in included.
It was a fickle fate that had put me in Bella's path eighteen months ago, a malicious hag of chance, of happenstance. Though I should have known better from the start, it had made me believe, truly believe that with Bella was where I was meant to be. I'd fought for her, reached out and taken her for myself, believed that she would be mine. I'd allowed her to change me in ways I'd never thought I could be changed; she had resurrected the human in me, buried so long ago.
Alice tries to tell Edward that he is wrong and that she can see Bella still loves him. Edward, however, is too blinded by his emotions to truly listen to Alice.
Edward’s family each has a different reaction to the news that he is leaving. Ultimately, each of Cullens tell him that Bella is still in love with him. Carlisle challenges Edward’s motives, seeing them as childish, but in classic Edward style he responds,
“I'm afraid that she'll forgo her own happiness because she thinks she has to stick with me, in gratitude of what we've all done for her, when we risked our lives, fought the newborns, eliminated the threats to her life. I don't want her to stay with me because of some misguided sense of obligation. I want her to want me. I want her to marry me because she loves me, because she can't live without me, because even contemplating a future without each other is painful misery. And right now, I don't feel that she wants me that way."
Edward’s sincere reaction pacifies Carlisle enough to tell Edward that he is always going to be welcome back.
Edward however believes:
Life, love, meaning – over.Bella awakes in the morning totally clueless to what has just occurred. Like the typical Bella, she leans on Edward to comfort her as she deals with her emotions. However, Edward is not there.
I had cried for hours after leaving Jacob's house, but letting go of him, the pain in my chest, along the fissure line of my heart, was finally bearable. I was so grateful that Edward had stayed with me last night, holding me quietly, offering comfort and letting my tears fall where they may without complaint.
I stretched languidly on the bed, my hand reaching towards the hard body I expected next to me. Usually, by now, he'd have pulled me into his arms for a kiss. I rolled to my side and opened one eye to peek, but didn't see him beside me.
Unknown to Edward were her true feelings.
I knew now more than ever that with Edward was where I wanted to be, needed to spend the rest of eternity. There had never really been a choice. I was his from the moment we had met. We were soul-mates in the truest sense of the word.
As Bella reads the letter that Edward had left for her, her entire world begins to fall apart - all over again. Guilt over her letting her emotions cripple her as she reads his words threatens to overtake her sanity. Edward had no idea how she truly felt about Jacob.
I had used Jacob as my personal sun to light up the darkness without Edward in my life. I had started to spend time with Jake as a means to an end.
Amongst a confrontation with Charlie, almost everything that Bella had been hiding from him came to light and Charlie called Jacob to come to the rescue.
Jacob is angry that Edward left again and tries to explain to Bella that he is there because he isn’t going to let her fall apart like before. Bella however will have nothing to do with Jacob. Her guilt over her reaction over their kiss spurred instant anger when Jacob tried to ask why Edward was leaving again.
Apparently, he was that stupid. His face contorted in rage. "I don't understand you, Bella. He's gone – don't you get it? He left you. He doesn't want you. I almost bought the little lies in the tent, when he pretended how much he loved you, telling me all about that shit he pulled last fall, leaving you because he thought that was best for you. He was right, you know... he should have just stayed away. Too damn bad he can't get it right." He was sneering in my face. "Filthy bloodsucker. He leaves, he comes back, he leaves again. Make up your mind, why don't you." He leaned down towards me and his arm flew out to grab me by the waist, pulling me to him, crushing me against him. My braced hand pushed powerlessly against his chest.
Jacob was so angry that he phased into a wolf in front of Charlie. Now they had to explain the entire Wolf story to Charlie; which in turn led to the reveal of the existence of “blood suckers”.
Seth glanced at Jacob who glanced at me. The unspoken question hung in the room. What do we do now?
"Well, Charlie," Jacob said finally, with a heavy voice and sorrow in his tone. "There's a reason for us to change into wolves. It's to protect our people from the... cold ones."
"What are the cold ones?" Charlie asked immediately. I held my breath.
"Vampires," Jacob breathed.
Charlie let out a laugh. "Oh, come on, Jake. Vampires? Is this some kind of joke?" He looked at me, and I was unable to hide the truth in my eyes. He noticed it instantly, and I saw the comprehension wash over his face. "Bella? Is this true?"
I didn't move. I couldn't move. Seth sighed helplessly next to me. Jacob looked at me, an apology in his eyes.
So this little review will leave you wondering about several things.
1. Where did Edward go?
2. What was Charlie's reaction to the revelations I just discussed?
3. Did Bella and Jacob end up trying to have a relationship?
4. And for a little extra: Alice...what part will she play in this fic?
I am evil I know, but this fic is truly worth you reading and reviewing. The author has responded to everyone of my reviews in a very positive and friendly way.
If you like a little angst in your life, this is one fic that you should read. Enjoy!
Author Interview
How did you come up with the Title of your Fic?
The whole story line centers around the mess Bella and Edward have made of their relationship, with his leaving in NM and her unwillingness to consider Edward's feelings in the aftermath when she kept running after Jacob. After Edward leaves again, and they are reunited at the end of the first arc, they have both come to a better understanding not only of each other but also of themselves. They've been given a chance to resurrect what they had in Twilight and build on that foundation. So - the title was actually quite an easy decision.
Do you have any writing rituals? What is your writing ‘process’?
I wish. No, I write when I have time and when inspiration strikes. I have a loose outline of what points I want to bring across, but oftentimes, the characters run away with that outline and do what they want. I write what I feel, trying to think like the character and imagine myself in that situation. Edward's voice is louder than Bella's and I think that especially in the early days of my FF "career", his character spoke to me more than any other. Writing is also cathartic for me. There's something to be said about getting lost in these characters and in the story I'm trying to create and leave RL behind for just a while.
What made you want to write this story, what inspired you?
The original prompt came from someone who'd been following one of my other stories. He and I had some long PM and email discussions about Eclipse and Bella's coddling of Jacob and the detriment that caused to her relationship with Edward. He and I both abhor the dog for the manipulative, juvenile way Jacob tries to win Bella for himself and for her inability to see him clearly and her neglect in realizing what hurt she is inflicting on Edward. The fact is that Edward doesn't have a choice - the mating bond is in full force and his nature doesn't allow him to NOT love Bella. He's bound to her for all eternity and completely at her mercy. My friend provided the prompt - What if Edward drew the wrong conclusion during the night of tears? What if that was what broke the camel's back? It didn't take me very long to jot down an outline for this story after that. He's credited in the prologue and one of the biggest supporters that I am honored to have. He's my sounding board when I'm stuck and he's reviewed every single chapter. Edward needed to have a voice. There was so much damage done in Eclipse, none of which was fully resolved or ever discussed afterwards. This story gives him that voice, or so I think.
What was your main inspiration for your lead characters?
I think my characters are fairly canon. I draw a lot on Midnight Sun when I portray Edward but I've also allowed him to 'grow' a little emotionally. When we first meet him in Twilight, he's somewhat stunted - a typical teenager, stuck in his ways, despite the wealth of book knowledge he has amassed and the multitude of minds he has listened to over the decades. He's always on the outside looking in, never fully included in his family, melancholy and self-loathing to a fault. When he meets Bella, he's railroaded by her scent, to the point where he does not realize that he has found his mate. Despite opinions to the contrary, I fully believe in the vampire mating bond as instantaneous, involuntary and irrevocable. The fact that Edward feels protective towards Bella before even having met or spoken to her on her first day when she sits beside Jessica is to me a clear indication of the instantaneous nature of the mating bond. Her scent railroads him into ignoring the pull, and then fighting it, even after he saves her from Tyler's van. My story builds on that belief. As for Bella, she needed a good dose of reality. Her low self-esteem, as evidenced throughout Twilight to the beginning of NM when she immediately believes Edward's lies, only follows her into Eclipse. From the start, she refuses to allow Edward to give her anything of value, thinking that she has nothing to give back, when all Edward wants is to make her happy. I also think that part of why she acts so callously in Eclipse is because she still harbors the belief that he might leave again, that he is not fully committed to her. A part of her also subconsciously wants to punish him for leaving her. All these points are brought up in the story and are part of the character development.
Which fanfic authors inspire you the most?
Sareliz and her story DESS (we share the fundamental idea of the vampire mating bond), Bookishqua and Cullenary Coupling (though her snark is much better than mine) and Drotuno (Angel series). I also have a very close relationship with Bella's Executioner and ConfettiRainfall, both of which I consider very good friends, and who have been a great sounding board for this story and others.
What Fics do you reread often?
Drotuno's Angel series. I cannot get enough of that Edward.
If you could pick a Fic universe to live in, which one would you chose?
I'd like to be Bella in the Angel series. She kicks ass and that particular Edward is my all time favorite. Lolashoes' LYLS and ALE universe is a close second.
When Fic diving what do you look for; Humor, Angst, Slash, Canon?
I don't usually dive. Most of the new fics I start come from Twitter recs, often from sites like this one. I also use the TwiFicDataBase quite a bit when in need of something new to read. I normally prefer E/B AU vamp/human stories to AH but there are tons of awesome AH stories available, a lot of which have made it onto my faves. Most of the stories I read are canon couples, though occasionally, I indulge in a little E/Jas slash or the M/F/M variety. I like stories with good character development, believable characterizations and somewhat realistic background settings. Angst is good if it's not used without reason, and I love snarky characters that speak their mind and have a sense of humor.
When you aren't writing which fics are you reading right now?
That's a long list. There are a few stories I drop everything for. She gives me Religion, Secret and Lies, A Thousand Leaves, Dear Mr. Masen, anything written by Windchymes and SydneyAlice. There are stories I've been following for over two years, ever since I stumbled over fanfiction and never looked back.
Are you in the closet or do your RL friends and family know about your love and obsession with all things Twilight?
I'm pretty much in the closet, with a few toes peeking out. Outside of my husband, not a lot of RL people know what I do in my spare time. I like it that way. It's a very personal journey for me and I often prefer the anonymity of the penname. That's not to say that I shy back from inviting like-minded folks I meet online into my RL, or that I portray my personality differently. What you 'see' is what you get. I don't pretend to be anyone else, I just tend to keep my obsession to myself in RL. It blends on occasion though. ConfettiRainfall lives just a few hours away and has a standing invitation at my house which she uses at least once every three months. There are a few people in RL that know I'm "one of those Twilight-obsessed" people, but they do not know how much time I spent with Edward and Bella. And that's okay for now.
How were you introduced to the fandom? Do you remember which story was the first you read?
After reading the books over and over again, and finally stumbling into fanfiction, the first story I remember reading was Crescents by One Deranged Scribbler. It's still posted though not finished. It obviously snow-balled from there. :)
If you were stranded on Isle Esme, which two Twilight Saga Characters would you want with you?
Edward and Jasper, assuming that I'd be a vampire too. If I were human, Edward and Carlisle.
Do you have anyone that you'd like to thank for helping and supporting you through this fic?
Bella's Executioner, ConfettiRainfall and Kzintikiller for their support and encouragement. Caius09 for jumping in to preread when I need a 2nd opinion. IcarusToSun for being my biggest cheerleader/pimp. Love those gals. And really, anyone who's giving my story a chance by reading and reviewing, rec'ing it to others and sites like this one that give us authors the opportunity to promote ourselves.
Do you have any other projects going on? Any planned for the future?
I have two more WIPs. Transcendence, which is a retelling of Eclipse in EPOV and currently on hiatus until I find his voice again, and Back To You, an AH story collab with ConfettiRainfall that came out of a contest submission on TWCS (which we won) and has since expanded into a full story. We write our chapters sitting next to each other so progress is slow. I have also written but not yet publically posted a new story called Runaway Train, which is a NM AU. The first chapter was my contribution to the Fandom4Tsunami compilation and I'm working on the 2nd chapter for the Fandom4Storms compilation. Neither will post until after those comps groups give the go-ahead, and the time I devote to it will be minimal until after I finish Resurrection. It's my outlet when I feel the need to write heavy angst which doesn't really fit anymore into Resurrection at this point.
Is there any information that you would like to share that was not already covered?
I'm on Goodreads - please feel free to friend me. I love playing WwF - invite me to a game. :)
Any additional information you would like posted?
Thank you so much for the opportunity - it is very much appreciated! Happy Independence Day!!
THANK YOU!!!!
Thanks for reading,
Jason @jaydogrut
TFDB Staff
